


Friends With Tax Benefits

by RainbowLookingGlass



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Aromantic, Genderfluid Character, Marriage Proposal, Marriage of Convenience, Misgendering, Other, ace/aro Shitty, only a tiny bit and easy to skip though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-09-15 05:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9220826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowLookingGlass/pseuds/RainbowLookingGlass
Summary: Shitty's grandparents threaten to put his inheritance in the wrong hands if he doesn't agree to one simple stipulation: he needs to be married within the next five years. For aromantic asexual Shitty, this sounds like a nightmare. Unless he can convince his equally aromantic best friend to marry him, completely platonically of course.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I forget what started this idea, perhaps a tumblr post, but I loved the idea of a platonic ace/aro couple getting married for mutual benefits, logistical and emotional. Shitty is straight up aromantic asexual, Lardo is aromantic and grey-ace as well as genderfluid and uses they/them pronouns. A million and one thanks to my mom angryspaceravenclaw for answering a million and one questions about adulting, as it turns out I know next to nothing. What a kind and patient human being.

Lardo found Shitty in the small restaurant easily, tucked into a secluded booth in the back. They motioned to the hostess and headed over, taking Shitty by surprise when they plopped in the seat across from him. “’Sup, bro? You sounded mad tense on the phone,” they said in greeting. Shitty grinned and held his fist out to bump.

“Ah well, you know, I had that meeting with my fucking grandparents. It was, unsurprisingly, a fucking shit show and I need to talk to you. But before we get into this bullshit we need to get some alcohol flowing. They have a ‘swasome wine menu here, I think they have all your favorites,” he said, handing the wine menu over. Lardo perused it till the waiter came to take their orders.

“I’ll have a glass of the Malbec,” Lardo ordered.

“I’ll have the same,” Shitty quickly said. The waiter nodded as he wrote, taking the wine menu. They made small talk about what they wanted to get until the waiter retuned with their wine, Lardo then ordering Cornish game hen and Shitty ordering roasted prime sirloin. The waiter took their menus, promising their food would be out shortly. Lardo took a sip of their wine, eyebrows raised. Shitty took a deep, shaky breath.

“I need you to marry me,” Shitty rushed out. Lardo stared for a minute before setting their glass down.

“That’s one way to propose,” they chirped. “But seriously, what the fuck, dude?”

“Okay so my grandparents wanted to meet about their will and my inheritance and shit, right? Well they start out the whole thing asking if I’ve found a nice wife yet. Which, I’m a fucking aro/ace, that’s not happening, and I told them so. They go and say well, no wife, no inheritance. I have to be married by the time I’m thirty-five. Which at first I was like fuck ‘em, I’m a goddamn successful lawyer, I don’t need their filthy money. But then they threatened to donate the money to whatever Republican presidential candidate is running.”

“What the fuck?” Lardo interjected.

“I know, brah, I know. So I’m like, fuck it, I can figure something out. So I convince them to get it in writing, and lawyer the fuck out of it, so all I’m required to do is be legally married by the time I’m thirty-five years old. Gives me five years to find some poor asshole to marry me. My first thought was maybe I could convince some dude to marry me, piss my grandparents off but still make sure that money doesn’t get into bad hands, get a divorce after a year or two maybe, there’s no specification on the length of the marriage. But then I thought about it more. And look, you’ve been my best bro for eleven years now. We call each other our partners half the time anyhow, we could just make it official. I’m pretty sure you’re my soulmate, brah. There’s nobody I’d rather marry,” Shitty looked at them earnestly. Lardo considered it, sipping at their wine.

“If I marry you, do I get on your insurance?” they asked. Shitty threw his head back and laughed.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, you do. The benefits go both ways here, actually. Tax benefit shit, if we wanted a house or if you wanted a studio it’d be easier to get a loan. We could move in together and share rent and bill costs. Et cetera, et ecetera,” Shitty said, waving his hand.

“Sweet. This freelance shit doesn’t cover health insurance or anything, you know, and I’ve been looking into it. Expensive as fuck, dude, and it doesn’t even cover much. Isn’t yours like, ridiculous? Also, bro, people would quit asking us when we’re gonna ‘settle down’ or whatever. We can just tell people we have a spouse and be done with it. Not a lie, no further explanation needed,” they were starting to get excited by the idea. 

“And like, we don’t have to be monogamous. I know you like to hook up now and then, you know I don’t give a fuck,” Shitty assured them. Lardo nodded. It was extremely rare and usually only with someone close to them, but it was still nice to know it was an option.

“Yeah, okay,” they finally decided. “I’ll do it. I can’t really think of anyone I’d rather marry, for convenience or otherwise. Go ahead, make me an honest person.” Shitty beamed at them, but the smile quickly turned into a shit-eating grin.

“I got a ring, just in case, you know? I can return it if you don’t want it. But I figured, if I was gonna ask you to marry me, I should be prepared to do a proper job, if you wanted.” Lardo grinned back.

“I mean, if you have a ring,” they agreed. “Make it good, I deserve only the best.” Shitty wasted no time in sweeping his napkin off his lap, throwing himself on one knee and fumbling to get the small black, velvet box out of his pocket. He cleared his throat loudly.

“Larissa Duan, you are the most incredible, most talented, most responsible and kind and perfect person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing in my entire thirty years of life. I don’t know how I would’ve managed to get to where I am today without your support every second of every day. Would you please, for the love of god, do me the highest honor of agreeing to marry me and spend the rest of our ridiculous lives keeping me in line?” he asked, loudly and grandiosely, opening the box. Inside there was a rose gold band, not too thick, with tiny inlaid diamonds going all the way around the middle. Lardo was surprised to find that they actually felt a little choked up as they held out their left hand.

“Well, how could I possibly say no to that?” they chirped. “Yes, you doofus, I’ll marry you. Nobody else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.” Shitty whooped as everyone around them applauded, getting to his feet and pulling Lardo up, hugging them tightly. He gently took the ring out of its box and slid it onto Lardo’s hand. It fit perfectly, to Lardo’s surprise, and was exactly what they’d choose, given an option. The two sat back down as the clapping died down, both grinning like idiots. “Great job on the ring, brah, how’d you know what size I was?”

“I remembered from when you were looking at class rings back in college. You’re still the same size in all other respects, I figured that was probably about the same too, and if I was off we could just resize it,” he explained, shrugging. Lardo looked at him, dumbfounded.

“That was like, 8 years ago. How the fuck do you still know that?” Shitty just raised a brow.

“As if I don’t have a catalogue of like, every piece of info I ever learned about you. I bet you know what size ring I wear too.” Lardo had to think for a minute. They remembered when Jack won the Stanley Cup, when he got his ring and let Shitty try it on. “It’s too big,” he’d proclaimed, letting the ring slide off his finger. “I only wear a size ten, what is this, thirteen? You motherfucking giant of a hockey playing Adonis!” It’d quickly turned into a wrestling match as Jack tried to get his ring back, Shitty keeping it in his fist as he proclaimed finders keepers. Bitty and Lardo had watched in amusement, as they often did when it came to their partners.

“You’re a size ten,” Lardo told him. Shitty just smirked.

“Our lives are fucking intertwined bro, like knitted yarn or some shit. We’re like a fucking scarf together. There’s a reason I wanted you to be my totally platonic spouse. Speaking of, what do you want me to call you? My fiancé? Partner? Betrothed?” Lardo rolled their eyes.

“Partner is cool. We can just keep it that way once we’re married. I’ll probably just call you my partner most of the time too, if you’re cool with that. Husband feels… weird,” they said. Shitty nodded.

“Works for me. I say we tell Jack and Bitty tonight, we can skype them. You can crash at my place if you want, you know they’re gonna want to talk late. We have a motherfucking wedding to plan!” Shitty grinned as the waiter showed up, plates in hand and a promise of dessert on the house for the newly engaged couple. Lardo smiled sweetly back. This marriage idea seemed like a better and better idea all the time.


	2. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is, apparently, a lot that goes into planning a wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something that I should've said in the last chapter but will in this one: I am not aromantic, and don't have any friends who are aromantic. What I'm writing is based on research and applying my experiences being asexual to aromanticism as best I can. If I'm misrepresenting anything, please let me know so I can change it!  
> I've decided to make this four chapters. Proposal, prep, wedding, and a glimpse at married life for these two. I'm going back to school in a week so it might take me a bit to finish the last two chapters, but I promise I'll finish them! I really enjoy writing this and can't wait to finish it!
> 
> There's a small bit of misgendering in this chapter. If you want to miss it skip the paragraph that starts with "Shitty's dad ended up being surprisingly helpful." I've added to the tags to reflect this.

“You’re what?” Bitty asked, eyes wide. Shitty grinned at him,

 

“Getting married, brah! Like a ceremony and everything, the whole shebang,” Shitty confirmed. Jack furrowed a brow, leaning in closer to the screen.

 

“But aren’t you…?”

 

“Aromantic? Fuck yeah, bro, both of us. Which means we can have a romance-free marriage with nobody compromising their identities. We’re already best bros for life, it’s just a different title,” Lardo jumped in.

 

“My grandparents want to give my inheritance to some fucker like Trump if I don’t get married. I don’t give a flying fuck about getting the money myself, but I don’t want to be complicit in the assistance of some dangerous asshole. Lardo here doesn’t have health insurance, but could be added to mine if we get married. Both of us want a beard for when assholes get on our cases about having a partner. It’s a win on all sides, really,” Shitty explained, leaning back against the couch and spreading his arms over the back.

 

“Well goodness, I never thought I’d see the day. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, or that you have to get married, but this is just so exciting! My two best friends, promising to be each other’s person for life. Oh I’m so happy for you both!” Bitty looked close to tears, though his smile was so wide it looked almost painful. “You have to let me do the cake, I just hired this sweetheart who does the most spectacular cake decorating y’all have ever seen in your lives. We’ll need a color scheme, red is such a lovely color for a wedding, maybe white with it? Or black or-no, let’s do gold! It could easily become gaudy but if we do it right it’ll be so beautiful. Oh, Lardo, what will you wear? We could get something tailored, I have a friend here in- mmph!” Bitty was suddenly cut off by a large hand clamped over his mouth. He glared up at his boyfriend, who was smiling softly.

 

“I’m sure they appreciate the enthusiasm, Bits, but maybe let them settle in to the idea of marriage before we plan everything down to the detail, eh?” Jack chirped, letting his hand fall. Bitty huffed a bit.

 

“Don’t worry, Bitty. We want to get married in the summer with all the green and birds and shit, so we’ve got a solid year to figure all this out. No rush and you’ll be, like, head wedding planner, bro. No question,” Shitty assured him. Bitty grinned.

 

“Alright, we can put off planning for a while, I suppose. Tell me all about the proposal. Did you get Lardo a ring? Did they get you a ring? Who said what to whom? Full details, tell us everything,” Bitty demanded. Shitty launched into the tale immediately, Lardo interjecting when necessary but otherwise just sitting back and basking in the oohs and ahhs Bitty and Jack made at the appropriate times. Marriage was definitely a great idea.

 

* * *

 

Marriage was a terrible idea.

 

On the one hand, some parts were great. Lardo’s parents were completely on board, just wanting their child to be happy. They took the convenience marriage with the same easy acceptance they met their gender fluidity, aromanticism, and desire to be a freelance artist with. Lardo’s mom cried when they told her they wanted to wear a traditional ao dai for the entire wedding, and be received by Shitty from their parents’ house with the traditional ceremony. The two found a Vietnamese dress maker in Boston and got Lardo fitted for a gorgeous garment that had a gold inner layer, with a deep red outer layer with slits going up the sides, revealing the gold. It had gold embroidery across the chest, and Lardo couldn’t be more thrilled with it. Shitty was even more enthusiastic.

 

“If you want the entire ceremony to be Vietnamese traditions, you just say the word,” he announced one night as he made dinner for the two of them. “I’ll learn anything I need to. I’ll meet with your parents about it. I’ll do research. Your culture is fucking gorgeous, and I would be honored to take part in it in any way you’ll allow me to.”

 

“Relax, Shits,” they’d replied good-naturedly. “I want to have both. I’ll wear my ao dai, you wear a tux. We’ll do the receiving ceremony at my house, I’ll teach you everything you need to know about that, then we’ll do a more public American ceremony. We’ll blend the cultures, like we’re blending us. It’ll be poetic as fuck.” And that was the end of that conversation.

 

But there was still so. Much. To think about.

 

There was a lot of education about the receiving ceremony. Lardo taught Shitty everything they felt was necessary, but Shitty did a ton of his own research as well. For the Western ceremony there was even more planning involved. Bitty had a friend in catering who agreed to do their dinner at the reception, and Bitty himself was taking care of their cake. “Three square tiers, one the gooey chocolate Shitty loves so much, one Lardo’s favorite red velvet, and one coconut to lighten it up a bit,” he told them one afternoon when they dropped by to say hi. “It’ll be primarily white, with gold iridescent powder dusted on it and red roses flowing own one side. It’ll be gorgeous when it’s finished.” He showed them a sketch he’d made up, drawing a grin from Lardo.

 

“Bro, this is fucking brilliant,” they told him, holding their fist out for a bump.

 

Shitty’s dad ended up being surprisingly helpful. He insisted on inviting Shitty and Lardo over, claiming he needed to meet his “future daughter-in-law”, despite Shitty’s protest that they weren’t a girl and therefore couldn’t be a daughter-in-law. It wasn’t until Shitty threatened not to let him come to the wedding that he agreed to use the term partner instead of bride and the proper pronouns. Lardo wanted to be angry, and was definitely pissed off, but it just happened too often for that kind of emotion. They didn’t have the energy for it.

 

“I know of a country club just outside of Boston. Some of the guys at work belong there. It’s just gorgeous. It’s up against a wooded area, you guys could have an outdoor ceremony and hold the reception inside. It would be easy for everyone, cheaper than two separate venues, and still just beautiful,” he suggested over dinner. Shitty had been hesitant, but Lardo insisted they at least check it out, seeing as they didn’t have any better plans.

 

A chipper woman with a name tag reading Sue met them out front of the club. She took them on a tour, chattering about the different features of the facilities. It was rustic, a lot of wood and stone with an enormous natural stone fireplace in the reception hall, which Sue assured them they could light for their reception if they so wished. The outside had a large stone waterfall that fed into a koi pond. There was a field up against a forest, just as Shitty’s dad had promised, that was more than large enough for the small wedding they were holding. Sue told them that they could set up the seating arrangement however they wanted, they had staff to assist in decorating and they would take care of taking everything down, included in the cost of renting. The cost was slightly out of their price range, but since they had planned on renting two, it was ultimately cheaper. They set a date and put the deposit down the same day.

 

“We were thinking about taking pictures in front of the woods there, and in front of the koi pond, and then around the fireplace,” Lardo told Bitty and Jack later, showing them pictures. Jack nodded, smiling softly, while Bitty beamed.

 

“Oh this is just lovely, it fits with the aesthetic we’re going for here so nicely,” he gushed. Shitty chuckled a bit.

 

“I made an appointment with that cute little florist down the street from the bakery to figure flowers out,” he told the two once the fawning had died down. “Bitty, come with us? It’s for Friday at three, I know you usually have Jenna take over around then. We’d love your input.”

 

“Oh perfect!” Bitty exclaimed. “That’ll give me plenty of time to figure out what we’ll need.”

 

* * *

 

Bitty ended up being essential for the flower appointment. He’d done some sort of math with the help of Jack, and discussed with the florist what would go with the theme and color scheme. They decided on what seemed like a frankly obscene number of red and white roses, with filler leaves and baby’s breath for the bouquets. The roses would serve as decoration along the ends of the chair rows and hung from fairy lights above the seating, as well as around the altar. Bitty and Shitty discussed color and size of the roses while Lardo milled about, considering the possibilities of pressed flowers in their artwork.

 

“Yo, Shits, how old is your niece?” they suddenly asked.

 

“Nearly four, why?” Shitty answered, not looking up from the red rose sample the florist was showing him.

 

“Can we have her like as a flower girl? Have her throw flower petals everywhere and be all cute?” they asked, coming over to check out the roses. Shitty agreed it was a fabulous idea, so Bitty and the florist discussed and they added red rose petals in a basket to the order. They chose large, deep red roses and equally large stark white roses and wrapped up the order, paying up front.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few weeks they figured out the rest of the details. Invitations were sent out, really much later than they should’ve been but Bitty had left the task to Shitty and Lardo and, well, they’d kinda forgotten. They finalized the menu with the caterer, discussed seating and decorations with the venue, and discussed a full dessert table with Bitty. The most fun part was choosing the wedding parties.

 

“I refuse to just have bridesmaids,” Lardo said when Jack brought it up. They were all hanging out after dinner one night, Bitty curled up in Jack’s arms while Lardo laid their head in Shitty’s lap. “I’m not just a girl, it’s reinforcing the idea that I’m really just my gender assigned at birth putting on an act. The ao dai is enough of that, I want to have groomsmen too.” Shitty nodded seriously.

 

“If you feel it’s stepping out of my bounds, you just say the word, but I don’t want all my party members to be men either. My sister means the mother fucking world to me, and I would be honored for her to be standing at the altar behind me.”

 

“So we both mix and match,” Lardo said. “Fuck gender roles. Yo, who’s gonna wait at the altar anyhow? I really don’t want to do the whole bridal walk thing. It feels… wrong.”

 

“I saw something on pinterest! There was a set up for a same-sex couple where the chairs were set up in two near-semi circles around a circular altar, so that there were two aisles opposite each other, and each groom walked and met in the middle. Y’all already planned for a circular altar with no arch, we could totally do something like that,” Bitty cut in, grinning. Lardo nodded slowly.

 

“That sounds perfect, actually. If Shits is in, I say we do that.” Lardo looked up at him. Shitty nodded enthusiastically. “Then we gotta figure out who’s in our wedding parties. Dibs on Bitty for my best man.”

 

“Sounds good, I want Jack for mine. And my sister will be involved, of course. How many should we go with?”

 

“It’ll be a small wedding, so three each? Yo Brad is great, we’re totally cool enough that I could ask, right? And how cute would it be for your sister and brother-in-law to both be in the wedding party? And Joanne, of course. She’s one of the only art friends in college that bothered to keep in touch, of course she’s the third.”

 

“I’ll ask Sandy to be my third, I think. Fucking beaut of a firm partner, even better friend, it feels right. Should we call them now, or wait till tomorrow, do you think? That was surprisingly easy, actually…” Shitty was interrupted by a throat being cleared. Lardo and Shitty looked over to see Jack and Bitty staring at them with slightly wide eyes.

 

“You want us as your best men?” Jack asked, smiling slightly. Bitty broke into a full grin.

 

“Fuck yeah,” Lardo answered easily. “You guys have been our best friends since our college days. Nobody else we’d want, bros. As if you didn’t ask us when you tied the knot.”

 

“Well, we’re honored, thank you so much for asking,” Bitty said, looking like he might tear up. “Though it wasn’t so much asking as designating…” Jack rolled his eyes fondly.

 

“As if we’d ever say no,” he said, pressing a kiss to Bitty’s temple. Shitty and Lardo both pretended to gag.

 “Fine!” Lardo called at the same time Shitty said “You guys are fucking gross.” Bitty just laughed.

 

“Please, y’all have known us as a couple for eight years. No need to act like five year olds. And you can’t fine us anymore,” he chastised them.

 

“Gonna try till we die, bro,” Lardo told him as they got their phone out. Time to text some people about wedding parties.

 

* * *

 

Ultimately they decided against having bachelor parties, Shitty claiming they were a ridiculous concept and Lardo simply not seeing the appeal of partying that hard anymore, especially without Shitty. Instead they had a get together at Shitty’s large apartment, where they’d decided Lardo would move into after the wedding since they had a tiny one bedroom and spend half their time at Shitty’s anyhow.

 

Shitty put his wedding party to work making red cloth covered boxes with designs in gold paint for the receiving ceremony, keeping them simple but elegant. Lardo was perched on the back of the couch with Joanna, glasses of wine in hand, alternating between chirping Shitty and giving advice on what they should look like and who should carry which gifts. Jack proved very adept at covering the box and precisely painting small branching designs. Hillary, Shitty’s sister, was struggling more than a little while both Bitty and Brad tried to help her. Sarah was middle of the road, doing a decent enough job without her artsy wife’s help but not as expert as Jack’s. Shitty himself was taking his time with his, each action measured and careful, trying his best to make it perfect despite art generally being very far outside his interests. Lardo personally thought that as much as they chirped Jack about always being 110%, Shitty was right there with him.

 

Once the boxes were done and set aside to dry everyone relaxed together in the living room, beer or wine in hand. They chattered and laughed and shared every embarrassing story they could think of involving Shitty and Lardo. They had way more material for Shitty, of course, but he took it all in stride, laughing as hard as the rest of them.

 

They all stayed until about 11:00, not wanting to be out too late so as to be too tired for the wedding the next day. Once everyone was gone Shitty offered to drive Lardo to their parents’ house, where they would get ready for the ceremony in the morning. They rode in easy silence, an undercurrent of excitement and nerves preventing them from being relaxed. Shitty walked Lardo to the door with the intention of saying hi to their parents, but wrapped a hand around their wrist just as they reached the door. Shitty cleared his throat.

 

“Hey, listen. I never like… expected to get married, never wanted it. And the idea in the traditional sense still sounds mad unappealing to me. But I just… I’m really glad you’re in my life, and that you like me well enough to want to stay there indefinitely. And even though it means something different to us than maybe most people, I’m really fucking excited to marry you tomorrow,” he told them, eyes soft and a sweet smile on his face. Lardo felt their eyes water as they threw their arms around Shitty, nearly knocking him over.

 

“I’m excited to marry you, too. I mean it when I say we’re soulmates, man. I’ll never have another friend like you, anyone else I’d want to be bound to for life,” they responded. They pulled back, looking at him for a moment before pulling him towards the door again. “Come on, let’s say hi to my parents so you can go home and sleep. We have a fucking wedding tomorrow.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's fanart!! maamilton on tumblr drew Lardo's ao dai, see it here: http://thesegayhockeynerds.tumblr.com/post/155728666984/maamilton-did-me-the-absolute-pleasure-of-drawing


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been an embarrassingly long time since I last updated. I'm super sorry to anyone who's kept up! Being a premed college student, genetic researcher, and the head of a suicide hotline takes up a metric fuckton of time, as it turns out, and this chapter required a lot of research. I appreciate any and all patience, I'm sure you thought that I abandoned this, but I promise I'm finishing it!! It might take a while for me to get the last chapter up, sadly. My summer is just as ridiculous as my school year, and unfortunately I'm not in contact with my Full Adult consultant anymore so the next chapter will require nearly as much research. Hey, if any of you know anything about mortgages and health insurance and wanna help a clueless writer out, let me know!! Thank you for your continued support, I love my readers to the moon and back.

Honestly, Lardo hardly even remembered getting ready that morning. They knew they’d gotten up, that their mom had made sure they ate breakfast, done their make up, and helped them into the ao dai. Their parents had created the ancestor alter well in advance and had it set up in the living room, along with a long table for the gifts. Lardo was waiting upstairs, pacing back and forth. They’d heard their wedding party show up a few minutes ago, which meant Shitty and his party was due any minute. They were on their fifth lap around the room when they heard the knock at the door. The sixth, the families were greeting each other. Seven, eight, nine and there was near silence, which Lardo assumed meant Jack, acting as Shitty’s representative, was presenting the gifts they’d chosen to Bitty, Lardo’s representative. They recited the gifts in their head. Jack’s red box held the areca nut and betel leaf arrangement, Shitty’s father expensive wine, Shitty himself had 2 boxes, jewelry and sticky rice he’d learned to make himself. Lardo couldn’t help but smile at the insistence he would make two boxes so that the number of gifts would remain odd, for good luck. Shitty’s mother brought tea, Sarah had pastries that Bitty had made for the occasion, and Hilary had candy that Lardo had suggested. The boxes were perfect, the gifts were perfect. Everything was perfect.

 

There was a knock on the door.

 

Lardo took a deep breath, trying to settle the butterflies in their stomach, before going to the door and opening it. Their breath hitched as they took in Bitty, in traditional Vietnamese dress and a knowing smirk. The dress-like top was a light gold, large circles embroidered on it, with white pants beneath. “Surprise,” he murmured, holding his hand out to her. “Joanne and Brad, too. Your mom helped us, we thought you would like it.” Lardo felt tears well up in their eyes as they silently took Bitty’s hand, allowing him to lead them out of their childhood room, down the stairs. Bitty led them over to Shitty as everyone looked on, gently placing their hand in his. Together they went to the ancestor altar, kneeling and praying silently. Lardo asked them for their blessing and for good luck in their marriage, for acceptance and prosperity. In the back of their mind they wondered what Shitty was praying for, if he was truly praying or simply bowing his head in respect. Soon enough though, they got to their feet and smiled to each other.

 

The tea ceremony went perfectly. The parents sat together in the seating area, allowing Shitty and Lardo to serve them tea from Lardo’s mother’s finest tea set. Everyone sat and chatted for a bit, mostly the parents speaking about what they wanted most for their children. Everyone else stood, chatting away, until Lardo’s mom cleared her throat. When she motioned for Lardo to join the parents, they smiled up at Shitty and slowly walked over, kneeling at Shitty’s mom’s feet. She smiled down at Lardo, taking an elegant braided gold chain necklace from a box sitting on the table, gently fastening it behind Lardo’s neck before pulling them into a tight hug. When they were released they stood, stepping back. Shitty stood next to them, gently taking their hand for the last portion of the ceremony.

 

Lardo’s father cleared his throat first. “My advice to you, is to never stop doing. Go on dates, take vacations together. Have fun together, support each other’s endeavors. Never become complacent. Adventure is how to keep a relationship alive, and my child, you have more adventure in you than any other I’ve ever known. Let’s hope your new husband can keep up,” he told them, smiling softly. Lardo returned the smile, nodding in acknowledgement.

 

“My advice is to always speak. Never leave a good thought unsaid, never leave any grievance unaired. Talk everything out, big or small, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’ll keep negative feelings in check and allow positive ones to grow and bloom,” Lardo’s mother told them, taking Lardo’s father’s hand at the end, almost as if to say _this is what you could have if you do._ Lardo gave her the same nod of acknowledgement, feeling tears behind their eyes.

 

Shitty’s father sat tall and still, appearing composed, but Lardo didn’t miss the way he kept glancing around and occasionally clenching and unclenching his fists. “I advise the two of you to watch your finances. Poor financial planning can tear couples apart. Be smart,” he told them solemnly. Lardo wanted to roll her eyes; they and Shitty were both excellent with money. Instead they just nodded, turning to Shitty’s mother.

 

“Always forgive,” she told them, smiling sagely. “You will both make mistakes, some bigger than others. You’ll hurt each other terribly. But if you can, forgive and learn. I know that’s something my son has had trouble with in the past, but I’m hoping it can be a skill to work on. Good luck to you both.” Lardo gave one last nod before the parents all stood, Lardo’s reaching for Shitty while Shitty’s mother pulled Lardo into a hug, his father standing by and patting Lardo awkwardly on the shoulder. Lardo could hear their parents speaking quietly to Shitty just before he was released, making him smile fondly down at the two of them.

 

Once everything calmed down, Bitty swooped in. “Alright, y’all, if we leave now we should have plenty of time to get there and set up. Let’s head out to the cars.” Everyone agreed, gathering necessities and filing out. Shitty climbed into his own car, the rest of his wedding party following suit. Lardo rode shotgun in Bitty’s SUV, the rest of their party sitting in the back. The parents were just getting into Lardo’s parents’ car as they pulled out. Lardo sincerely hoped their parents wouldn’t eat Shitty’s father alive.

* * *

 

Once they got to the venue, everything felt like a whirlwind. There were employees there to meet them, and whisked each party off into separate dressing rooms. Joanne touched up Lardo’s minimal make up while Bitty talked to an employee and sorted out bouquets. Brad stood in the corner, taking pictures and chirping Bitty and Lardo. It felt like about five minutes before another employee came, telling them it was time. Bitty handed out bouquets, Lardo’s two small bouquets of red roses that fit together, everyone else’s a small mix of red and white roses. They went out in order, following the employee blindly. At the sight of the altar, Lardo’s breath caught.

 

The seats were set in semi circles, the aisles outlined with red and white roses. The altar was circular at the center, slightly raised, white cloth draping from it with red bows and ribbons. Everything was very open, very simple, and showed clearly Shitty directly across from them, grinning and holding his own double bouquet, this one all white. It was exactly what Lardo had imagined during their discussions with Bitty, and more gorgeous than it had ever been in their head.

 

There was a small live band stationed nearby, and at a cue from Bitty, began playing music. Lardo began to walk, exactly as practiced, slow and measured. Shitty mirrored them, never dropping his bright smile. They met in the middle, the justice of the peace waiting there for them. The ceremony was short and sweet, the justice of the peace saying a few words about commitment before prompting them to say their vows.

 

“I promise to support you in all ways possible our whole lives, no matter what the future may bring,” Shitty said, holding out one of his bouquets.

 

“I promise to be your rock and your best friend our whole lives, no matter what the future may bring,” Lardo vowed back, holding out one of their own bouquets. They exchanged, bringing their new bouquets to their existing ones so that they matched. The justice of the peace pronounced them spouses and Shitty threw his arm around Lardo, crowing that they were stuck with him for life. Lardo couldn’t help but laugh, hugging him back as their friends and family stood, coming over to congratulate them.

* * *

Shitty had tried to convince Lardo to let him have a kegster for their reception, and despite the pong table in the corner that Lardo had demolished all the old SMH bros at, they were glad that they had put their foot down about a proper reception. The ballroom was dim, a DJ playing just the right music as everyone danced. Lardo was exhausted, just almost too full from dinner and regretting their late night. They were reclined, watching Brad and Hillary get down on the dance floor, when she felt someone sit in the chair directly next to her. She looked over and nudged Jack’s shoulder in acknowledgement. He smiled softly and nudged back.

 

“Finally joined us old married bros,” he said quietly. Lardo nodded slowly.

 

“Never really thought I would,” they told him, “but I’m glad it’s with him.”

 

“Perfect match,” Jack agreed. They sat in amicable silence, occasionally chuckling at some antic or another of their friends’. At some point Lardo’s head fell to Jack’s shoulder. As the party began to wind down Bitty and Shitty came over to them, arm in arm and giggling. Bitty slid into Jack’s lap, patting Lardo’s head.

 

“I love you both, like, so much,” he gushed. Shitty nodded emphatically, trying to climb into Lardo’s lap.

 

“Get off, you big oaf!” They protested, pushing at him. Shitty just snaked his arms around their neck.

 

“This is my right as your spouse! All the cuddles!” he proclaimed, despite the fact that he was sliding off. Lardo rolled their eyes.

 

“Not when your spouse it smaller than you, it’s not. Switch places,” they said, standing them both up. Soon Lardo was settled in Shitty’s lap. They were starting to drift off despite themselves when Jack nudged them again.

 

“These two are too drunk to drive, and you’re too tired. Do you and Shitty want to crash at our place? I’ll drive you to pick up your car tomorrow,” he murmured to them, trying not to wake up the dozing Bitty in his lap. Lardo nodded, grateful not to have to make the drive back to their apartment with Shitty. The two of them managed to corral their giggly husbands into the backseat, Lardo taking shotgun. They drove back in silence aside from Jack humming along to the radio quietly. Lardo thought they stayed awake, but next thing they knew there were strong arms beneath them, lifting.

 

“I can walk,” they slurred in protest, trying to escape. The arms just tightened.

 

“The boys are sober enough to get up on their own, you’ve had a very long day, and I can bench like two of you. Let me,” Jack told them, amusement clear in his voice. Lardo huffed but gave in, letting Jack carry them upstairs. They were asleep before they even made it to bed.

* * *

The next morning they woke up next to Shitty. He was sprawled over two thirds of the king sized bed, snoring lightly, his hair in disarray and a bit of drool near his mouth. Sunlight filtered in through the blinds, casting stripes over his face. His shirt was all but off, it was rucked up so high. Lardo just looked at him for a minute, smiling as fondness for their best friend flooded their chest. “Yeah, I’m glad I married you,” they whispered, before hitting Shitty in the face and chirping him for drooling.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at thesegayhockey nerds! Always feel free to say hi!


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